In  Flatulence
by Tigyr
Summary: Ducky and Vance discover a common love...brussel sprouts. Warning SBD's within  Crack!fic


****_A/N: Umm...crackfic anyone?_****

**In F-lat...ulance:**

He can't resist even though he knew that the consequences could very well be the end of some of his co-workers. He just has to take that first bite…oh the deliciousness of it all. And the final bite is just as delightful. He finishes his meal, washes it all down with the last of his sparkling water and prepares to go back to work.

It happens just as he leaves the car. He rubs his stomach and grimaces, before rushing to the elevator and hitting the button that would lead to his office. The second wave hits him and he changes his mind. He waits a heartbeat for the doors to open then immediately hits the down button heading for autopsy.

He lets out a breath when he doesn't immediately feel a third wave come over him but as the elevator dings, he prepares to step off and that's when the third one escapes. Jimmy Palmer looks up and wrinkles his nose slightly. "Wow that was a bit of an SBD."

Vance grimaces at the abbreviation for Silent but Deadly...another name for the common fart. "Can anybody hear me? Aside from you Mr. Palmer?"

"No sir, well, Dr. Mallard is in his office, but he can't usually hear anything when his door is closed."

Jimmy wrinkles his nose again and motions for the older man to follow him. He knocks on Ducky's door and pokes his head inside. "Dr. Mallard, you said that the director might show up; he's outside sir. I'll go get the air freshener. And some mint shall I?"

Jimmy motions Vance forward and excuses himself. Vance looks at the M.E. who is almost as green as Vance himself is feeling. Slumping into the nearest chair, the director of NCIS asks, "Why did I eat those silly things? I know what they do to me."

Ducky nods in agreement, "Yes, but oh they were extremely well prepared for a brussel sprout. Well, as for the poor boy in the other room, I haven't started my autopsy on him. I was waiting for Mr. Palmer to return with some peppermint tea. It works amazingly well when dealing with flatulence."

Vance sighs and then groans as another fart spasms through him. "Are you sure that no one can hear me?"

"I haven't turned our computers on in here director, or I'm sure that Abigail would be trying to listen in. No, there is no one that can hear you or me for that matter."

Both men let out a fart sighing deeply when they do so. Up in Abby's lab, Jimmy looks at Abby who is smiling from ear to ear. He'd come to the lab to see if the forensic scientist had any peppermints left from the last time Ducky had eaten brussel sprouts. He'd reached up on a shelf and found her hippo, Bert instead.

"Whatcha doing Palmer?"

"Squeezing Bert." ***fart, fart***

"I can see that, ohhh…Ducky ate brussel sprouts again huh?"

Jimmy nods smiling as he hands the farting hippo back to its rightful owner. "Yes and this time he has company."

"Ohh really? Who?"

"Director Vance. We also have a fresh body downstairs. Well thanks for the peppermints Abby."

"You're welcome Jimmy. Now, then Bert let's see if we can listen in for any blackmail."

"Blackmail, isn't that a bit beneath you Abbs?"

"Oh hey Gibbs. Well, it's just…so rare to have anything to use against the director."

A wicked glint appears in those normally ice blue eyes. "You have blackmail material…against Leon? That's good work Abbs."

"I'll have more on your victim when Ducky finishes his autopsy and Gibbs? Don't forget that recently dead bodies tend to fart a bit. Don't let them tell you it was just the body making noise."

Gibbs raises his coffee cup in salute as he presses the elevator button. As the elevator descends, he can't help but smile at the thought of his boss and his old friend suffering. It wasn't really rare for Ducky to be caught short with the dreaded botty burping or farting, but Vance?

The elevator finally stopped down at autopsy and Gibbs is met with a fog of farts that would have anyone turning on their heel and running._ "Damn, what the heck have you two been eating?" _he mutters to himself as he pinches his nose and makes his way in.

Once there, he sees Jimmy's phone lying on the small desk and can't help but go over and take a peek. Just as he suspected, the young man has set it up to record and judging by the sounds coming from Ducky's inner sanctum, there was a wealth of material on there that would be embarrassing for both men. With a grin, he pauses at the door and hears Vance ask his old friend the million dollar question.

"Can anybody hear me?"

_"I'm sure not, Leon, the only person that knows is Mr. Palmer and right now, the only people to hear are myself and the poor boy on the table out there." _

Gibbs steps back from the doorway and starts to make his way out just as Jimmy bustles back in with a distasteful look on his face. With a smile, he glances at the phone and nods his head, making Jimmy beam as he formulates the plan that is brewing in his mind. He watches as Gibbs leaves autopsy and sets about brewing the peppermint tea for his stricken co-workers. Once that was done, he put on a surgical mask and gently knocked on the door to Ducky's office so that he could deliver the tea.

"Ahh, Mr. Palmer. You are a scholar and a gentleman my dear boy and we thank you from the bottom of our..."

"Um...you're welcome, Dr. Mallard." Jimmy jumps in not wanting Ducky to finish that particular sentence. "Just...please, enjoy."

"I am sure we will." Ducky winks at Jimmy as he closes the door and the young autopsy gremlin can't help but gasp as the smell filters through his mask. He makes his way over to the desk and soon makes his escape out of the door to listen to the material that has been secretly recording for the past 15 minutes while he had been out of the room. It was priceless and the low sound of farting and choice conversation soon has him laughing uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Mallard, but this has got to be done." Jimmy whispers as he hits the send button and emails the video off his phone to Abby, who had been waiting patiently for the little bit of humor that she'd been promised.

*********

Back in the lab, Abby bounces excitedly when her phone beeps and she's soon engrossed in both the farting shenanigans and the conversation that is filtering through her headset.

****Fart...Thhhrrrruuuup**** "_Do you know Director that mother used to say the brussel sprout was what ultimately made her a widow?"_

"How so?" ****trump...**** "Oh...oh that's so much better."

_"Well, by the time he was done there was no wind left in him poor fellow. He simply couldn't live with the smell anymore"_

"I see. Is that where you get it from?"

****Fart...**** "_Ahhh...I am afraid so my dear man. Much to my mother's distaste_."

Abby giggles as a plan starts to form and she soon has the file uploaded to her computer so that she can play with it a little bit. After a good half hour, she has it exactly how she wants it and sends it up to Tony. With a grin, she quickly sends a text message up to Jimmy to follow Vance upstairs when he goes and to let her know when he's leaving.

**********  
>Vance soon starts to feel his windy stomach subside and thanks Ducky for his hospitality and good company in lieu of their shared trouble. He was soon making his way out and noticed Jimmy standing by the body with his phone in his hand.<p>

"Don't drop that in my body, Mr. Palmer."

Jimmy jumps and turns to face Vance. "Oh, Director. No sir."

Vance smiles and heads out of autopsy feeling better and more at ease knowing that no one else had heard the cacophony of farts that emanated from this room. It wasn't until he stepped off the elevator into the squad room when he heard the loud laughing coming from the MRCT followed by something that sounded like a symphony of farting and relieved noises that sound all too familiar. When he moves closer, he can see the plasma displaying the title of the track and can't help but duck his head so that he can make his way up to his office...hopefully without being seen.

"Abbs, that's too much, he's gonna kill you if he sees it." Tim stuttered through his laughter. He's pointing at the plasma and can't help but laugh louder at the sight of 'Mallard and Vance in F-lat...ulance' displayed there in bright pink writing.

"Oh yeah...Tony! Tony!" Abby calls excitedly and shakes her head in the direction of the director making his way up the stairs. With a wicked grin, Tony turns his head and shouts up to the embarrassed man.

**_"Can anybody hear me?"_**

**_The End?_**


End file.
